Why don’t we get something like this here in Singapore?!

Noel, my envy knows no bounds. I mean… they’re gonna be discussing 16th and 17th century saints/martyrs as well!? ARGHHHHHHHH.

Sometimes I feel I’m in the wrong course. Then Noel posts something about 20,000 words worth (haha… poet pun) of essays and suddenly my design project that was due yesterday that I’m struggling with doesn’t seem so bad. But I’m beginning to realise that I will always be in the wrong course as long as I hate what I do. Seems easy enough to say, but it really isn’t. The fact remains that there is a reason why I’m in the course I’m in.

Money.

You know, I used to laugh at people in my lower primary classes who said they wanted to be doctors because of the money. I wasn’t rich then (not much different now) living in middle-income suburbia where houses are replaced by high-rise flats, so I had no real use for money then. My family was intact, I had strong links to my extended maternal family and for me, that was really all I asked for. But things change, as they always do, and suddenly, even the riches I believed I had started disappearing. And I didn’t evolve with the change.

So I figured I’d pretend I did and start working towards the professional degree my father always hinted that he wanted us to have. (Sidenote: You know when parents say they only want you to be happy? They really mean “I want you to live the life that would make me happy. It’s okay if you can’t… but I would REALLY like you to.”) And now, two years later and arguably more depressed about the notion of Thermodynamics and Fluids and MATH, I wonder if those decisions were the right ones. But I know they are.

Because being a professional makes you money. More money than the average guy, which is all that’s important.

I met up with a friend at church yesterday before the Pope’s requiem Mass. He quit schooling at NTU’s School of Computer Engineering before he flunked out. Now, he’s doing a course in Computer Security Systems or something which he claims is what he’s really wanted to do all along. And it’s got good business prospects, that’s for sure. I envied him for being able to make that crucial decision to quit school before it cost him even more. For me, I’m not sure that’s an option. You see, I would rather do Philosophy, or Literature, or Theology. But I can’t. Because it won’t make me money. Money which I will need to pay back my parents for the $15k I must have spent altogether in the past two years. Or at least, use to pay for the education of my younger siblings. And I can’t earn that with a Philo degree.

So I’m stuck. Stuck knowing that I’ve gotten ‘A’s for Communication Skills and Graphics, a ‘B’ for Computing and Life Sciences and ‘D’, ‘E’ and ‘F’ for just about everything that isn’t a throwaway subject. If I were in NUS, I’d have a CAP of 1 or 2, or I’d have been kicked out really early. Stuck wondering why I’m even in NTU, or if I’ve achieved what I came here for and it’s now time to leave.

The truth is, I don’t know, and if I’m lucky (or unlucky depending on how you see it), I will still be in NTU and have these thoughts again next semester.