My semi-annual Fear post.

It’s odd, you know. Just when you thought your life was on track, doors seemed to be opening and things just started to fall into place, God has to throw you a curve ball and remind you that ultimately, He decides what’s important for your life and it’s your decision to accept His will or to fight for what you think you deserve.

I’m doing the former, of course, but that doesn’t make the choice any easier to make. But let’s put all these things in perspective, shall we?

My teens received the Sacrament of Confirmation yesterday evening, the end of a 3.5 year catechetical journey with my team of catechists and I and the start of their new life as adult Catholics. The whole Mass went extremely well, with the worst hiccups happening only because I lost my mind and jumped the gun at two occasions. When the Mass ended, I don’t recall being that emotionally high for at least a whole year. There was an extreme sense of satisfaction, of fulfillment and of sheer joy.

The reception that was held after that felt like the after-party of a graduation ceremony. Teens were taking photos, exchanging gifts and cards, just reveling in the feel-good atmosphere throughout the function hall.

And there I was, allowing my heart to go off-tangent, like it always does.

I wasn’t supposed to be falling so hard for anyone, anymore. But I did. And it was a really bad feeling that I hadn’t felt for a long, LONG time and one that I’m glad I know how to get over. Because the truth is, I don’t need any of this any more, and yet a part of me still longs so much for it. A part of me that still dreams of what-could’ve-been, and keeps on living with regrets and what-ifs. A part of me that still defines happiness according to my selfish, ego-serving, envy-driven wants.

It’s a painful reminder, but one that I realise I will keep having to face on this semi-regular basis. For God has plans for me that are not my plans. His ways are not my ways, and His will is what I have to cling to no matter how much pride I have to submerge just to do so. There’s a lot of me that I will have to die to in order to be filled with His love.

Will things ever change? Check back in about 6 months for my semi-annual Fear post.