…insecure.

Actually, that’s not true, since I got hit by a random bout of angst (i.e. having no choice but to sit down - I was walking down a staircase at the time - and just brood) just last Saturday. But that was for a totally seperate reason (I hope).

This afternoon, I was greeted with a mail from my FE1006 (Mathematics 1) tutor informing me (along with several others) that he was preparing a make-up quiz for all those who haven’t taken their quiz yet. I was on the list because I haven’t attended a single FE1006 tutorial since the beginning of the semester - because it is the third time I’ve applied for the module. The one module that everyone seems to be passing - I fail. Last semester, I took it for granted that I would pass it second-time around… and this semester, I had other things to worry about - the four other modules I didn’t pass.

There. Story of my life, essentially.

Anyway, back to today. I found myself in a fix. Normally, the exam being only four days away, this would be great news - a chance not only to earn the 30% CA grade, but also to test how well prepared I was for the exams next week. However, I hadn’t touched FE1006 at ALL before today. It wasn’t part of my revision schedule (which, as you can imagine, is in shambles). So I hurried to refresh my year-old memory about the (rather simple) topics on vectors and integration. I scanned through as much lecture notes as possible and thought myself adequately prepared as I left for the quiz.

Yeah, should have recognised the same feeling I had entering the examination hall around this time last year. I got an E for that paper, by the way. And an F for the retest. Anyway, back to the quiz. Three questions. Simple concepts tested. I looked at them and my mind went blank.

Actually, that’s not quite accurate. I knew exactly how to solve them. I had the steps right in my head. I knew I had to get the cross product of the vectors and simply equate the answer to the co-ordinates of the given point. I just didn’t know how to find the cross product of two vectors.

It’ll be a miracle if I do better this time around compared to the last time.

Don’t get me wrong. I know the adage - “People who keep saying they will fail, will fail.” I know all about self-fulfilling prophecies. I know that despite my lack of desire to do well while in NTU, I should still try my best to pass. I know, I know, I know. It’s just that right now… I’m just…. stuck.