I thought I’d begin my Christmas post with a little confession: I contemplated suicide again today.

The events leading up to this are inconsequential. The fact remains that, on the day when we commemorate the “Birth of Hope” and the “Dawn of our Salvation”, I chose to take the cowardly way out of dealing with my hopelessness. This time around, I wrapped a tie around a hook on my room ceiling, tied the other end to my neck and threw myself off the chair. To my relief, I discovered that I had miscalculated the length and my feet could touch the floor, though barely.

The truth is, I can’t commit suicide. As I searched this blog for other occurrences of the word, I discovered that I hadn’t blogged about it since 2003. And even back then, I was painfully aware of how much of a coward I was for contemplating suicide, and how much MORE of a coward I was for not being able to go through with it.

It has often been painfully obvious to me how easy it is to attempt to take one’s own life. The methods are all classic - hanging, jumping off a building, cutting oneself with a knife, gassing - these are all things I could do without ever leaving my block of flats. Except that when it actually comes to pulling the proverbial trigger, I am suddenly reminded of all that I am leaving behind and of the foolishness of the act. Mostly though, I am filled with the fear of the unknown and the fear of judgment.

(I suppose it needs to be said, at this point, that the Catholic Church no longer believes that suicide is a black-and-white issue where the victim is condemned to Hell for committing a mortal sin without the opportunity to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation.)

The ultimate irony, I suppose, is that deep inside me, I know have NO reason to end my life prematurely. In the same section, the Catechism of the Catholic Church states clearly that “[Suicide] is gravely contrary to the just love of self” and in the same paragraph, “Suicide is contrary to love for the living God.” And the ultimate truth of the matter is, I cannot deny or break away from this love, having felt it so strongly, so often. No matter what drives me close to the edge, this love is the ONE thing that stops me from going over.

This is the Love we celebrate at Christmas.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son. That anyone who believes in him shall not die but have eternal life.” –John 3:16

POSTSCRIPT: I’m fine, really. I’m not gonna do anything stupid. This is NOT a cry for attention or help. But I do appreciate the concern.