I asked En out for lunch today - the annual Pete meets En event (though technically speaking, I think we missed last year’s). We were originally supposed to have gone out on Monday, but then she had to work, so she offered to treat me today. Being the self-delusional epitome of chivalry, I declined the offer (hence the ‘chivalry’) but like the idiot I am, I suggested she make the 10 minute walk over from her workplace to Takashimaya instead (hence the ‘delusional’). I still have no idea what I was thinking, since 10 minutes there and back meant that she could only spend half an hour at most. GAH. Nonetheless, it was a good lunch and by ‘good’, I basically mean no awkward moments or strange silences - which I totally fear when I’m with anyone.

But back to the title of this post - the extremely courteous staff of the Coffee Club branch in Kinokuniya. I believe the natural competition between higher-end cafes like tcc and Coffee Club have led to their staff be on the best behaviour at all times so as to prevent their competitors from getting an advantage in that area. I have developed a new-found appreciation for F&B professionals as a result. It is especially impressive how they can relax and chit-chat among themselves when there are no customers in the outlet, but the second a potential customer appears, the professional sheen is unmistakable, and they are attending to you 101%.

There’s a lesson for me to learn in all this, of course. There’s nothing like a clear outward expression of your duty and obligation to truly set yourself apart from others in the same profession. Too often, I give myself the excuse that I’m not truly doing a job I love, be it a part-time job, or my studies, or some of my obligations in the parish, and therefore find no need to maintain that outward expression of duty. I realise only now how much one stands out when that poor attitude is taken, and how much more gratifying it is to those around to see an attitude that befits the occupation. Whether it is as a technical writer during my attachment at Autodesk Asia, or in my discernment process in my journey with the Franciscans, it is a new-found appreciation for showing the best of myself at all times and in whatever I do.

I think it’s interesting how the words from St. Mark’s gospel from the Thursday of the Ninth Week in Ordinary Time (June 7th - last week) the make so much more sense now than ever.

The scribe said to Jesus, “Well spoken, Master; what you have said is true: that He is One and there is no other. To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and strength, and to love your neighbour as yourself, this is far more important than any holocaust or sacrifice.”
Mark 12:32-33

That night, my mother had tuned into EWTN (the Eternal Word Television Network - the premiere Catholic media organisation) and I caught a fair amount of the homily from their daily mass in Birmingham. One of the things that really struck me was the theme of “Faith in Action”, and how that was relevant not only in the gospel passage above, but also in the week-long readings from the book of Tobit, unfortunately classified as Apocrypha and therefore not available in most “non-Catholic” Bibles.

“Faith in Action” means a lot of things to a lot of people, but to me, it means serving God in the world he has placed me in. I’m only realising this now, that what God has intended for me is this - not to take me out of the world, but to truely immerse myself in it. For too long I’ve been comfortable living away from it - unwilling to do anything that would mean having to deal with the realities of life - sickness, pain, aging, loneliness, regret. But the truth is, we have been given the poor so that we might know how to be poor ourselves - poor in spirit. Our faith calls us to this spiritual poverty - our response should be one of action.

This is the poverty that St. Francis of Assisi recognised in the ministry of Jesus. This is the trust that God demands of us as Catholics - as Christians. To trust that when we give up our physical and emotional attachments to things of this world, that we will receive from him much more than we could ever hope for.

That’s why I’m discerning with Ordo Fratrum Minores - The Order of the Little Brothers - the Franciscans.

You know, until last night, that word used to freak the heck out of me. It meant making a life decision - of choosing between marriage and celibacy. I thought it also meant choosing between God… and another human being. But let’s start from the beginning.

The initial nudge

I always felt called to the priesthood. I remember feeling curious about the “calling” of the priests in my parish, most specifically Father John van Dich since I was twelve. Faith, religion, the teachings of the Church, these things came easily to me since I was young, so you can imagine what a surprise it was to realise that I was actually unique in my understanding.

So, at the age of thirteen, I became the Catholic geek I still am today. This of course, led to a lot of things–establishing myself as being an mini-authority of sorts on the Catholic faith, for example (not hard to do considering Catholics in general are right accused of knowing very little about what they profess). The other, naturally, would be actively considering a priestly vocation.

For me the greatest and most fulfilling “occupation” ever would be to celebrate Mass for the people of God. In fact, when I attempted a career quiz in JC and was asked to fill in several preferred jobs, I filled in Redemptorist Priest and Franciscan Friar as the first two. I had made no attempt to actively seek out direction from either religious community of course. Heck, I was just 17 and had been Confirmed the year before, had my first community experience as a member of my parish’s “Salt and Light”, the only youth group back in 1999. Heck, I was still actively searching for a girlfriend, but that’s another story.

Staggering along the way

Any sort of progress towards a religious vocation came more or less to a complete standstill when I got drafted into NS in 2001. There were many opportunities to ignore your Christian background in a place like that and while I still played an active role in the newly revamped Youth Council (YC) of Holy Family, my Catholic life was limited to parish activities and I reverted to being something quite different outside of church. It was also around this time that I was given the opportunity to experience once again what community was, finding support in fellow youth in the parish who had similar aims, at least when it came to church.

It was only when I left NS, and headed towards an Engineering degree in NTU that my call to vocation arrived once more. Indeed, it could not have been more provident, for the chaplain of the NTU Catholic Students’ Apostolate (CSA) was none other than then-Franciscan Vocation Director Friar John-Paul Tan. Having befriended both Father JP (as he is affectionately referred to) and one of his students, Jivan over the course of my first year, I was subconciously being drawn more and more to the Franciscan lifestyle and spirituality. I say this of course, because of hindsight, as back then, I simply enjoyed their friendship and their company.

A childhood dream realised

Then, of course, came the musical, which I guess would always remain as one of the biggest highlights of my life. To this day, I’m often being reminded of my little foray into directing by at least one guy who (for better or worse) seems to have been most impacted by the musical. I say “for better or worse” because I recently watched the recorded version and it was painful to realise how much I mangled up the story. But again, I detract.

The one thing that moves me most would be the memory of seeing most of the YC turn up to support me at the musical. It was almost as if things had come full circle: I had tried to bring as much of what I learnt from the YC into my newfound community of CSA in the previous year, and now, here they were supporting me and indirectly supporting everyone in the CSA. It was definitely an emotional night for me, but it wasn’t the end of the experience.

The truth of the matter

As I shared with Ying Thio, another new friend from the Choice Singapore family, the musical helped me realise that realising my dreams of performing and directing were not as fulfilling as experiencing being a part of a Catholic community. In that one long weekend (it was the National Day weekend) I learnt what truly made me who I am. In that same weekend, I committed myself to the service of God and His church, after a long internal struggle with my own personal emotions.

In the same year, I attended the Franciscan Vocation Camp and met up with the other students who were also undergoing different stages of the seven years in preparation for Final Profession - that is, the decision to enter fully into the religious life. For the next several months, I conciously and actively considered the priesthood once again, finding great joy and excitement within myself as I imagined joining yet another community centered on Christ.

Another fork in the road

But things were not to be, it would seem and several changes before this year made it harder for me to meet up with the Franciscans I’d come to call my friends. In addition, I believed I was falling in love, again. Once more, my world lost its foundation, my confidence was shaken and I questioned if the past semester had simply been a fool’s delusion. Once again, I was torn between eros and agape-love for one and a love for all.

Last night, however, at the Praise and Worship Rally organised by the NTU Charismatic Group, I came to the realisation that vocation, my vocation, had never changed. I was simply called to hold God above all, to worship Him alone. It did not mean that I had to give up loving another person romantically. It did not mean that I had to make a concrete decision between marriage or celibacy. All it meant was that I could be myself, united in Christ with the rest of the Church. And then, at that moment, I recognised my vocation.

It was to be… me.

P.S. I don’t know if you read this far, but thank you very much if you did.